☕️I'm On the Edge of Glory and I'm Hanging On a Moment with You🥨
Look, I'm not mad about it. I'm just disappointed. Actually, no—I'm tired. Because here we are on Sunday, still reading about a game that happened yesterday, and for what? Because someone on your fantasy roster happened to be breathing near a football field in Ann Arbor while Juventus was playing at the exact same time? Priorities, folks.
But let's talk about it.
Ohio State won 27-9, which is both exactly what the spread predicted and somehow still felt like watching paint dry. And yet, there was literally a snowstorm. This is The Game™, where weather becomes a character and everyone pretends they know what Hang On Sloopy is really about. (Spoiler alert: you don't, but the people doing snow angels on the field afterward definitely have an opinion.)
The Buckeyes snapped their four-game losing streak to Michigan, which—if you've been paying attention to college football, and let's be honest, you haven't—was kind of a big deal. Ryan Day, OSU's coach, has apparently been living his worst life for four years because of this, complete with death threats and armed guards. Which feels... excessive? But also, this is a rivalry where people once had a literal brawl over planting a flag at midfield, so clearly I'm underestimating the emotional stakes here.
Michigan started strong with a 36-yard run on the very first play—the longest run Ohio State's defense had allowed all season. You could feel the narrative building: Scrappy underdogs! Upset alert! And then... nothing. Michigan managed two field goals and spent the rest of the game watching their offense disappear like your will to live during a snowstorm. They finished with 39 yards in the entire second half. Thirty-nine. That's roughly the distance from your couch to your refrigerator if you're feeling lazy.
Meanwhile, Julian Sayin, OSU's quarterback, threw three touchdowns after an early interception, because nothing says redemption arc like a rocky start followed by competent execution. Freshman running back Bo Jackson (yes, really; different guy) had 166 yards from scrimmage. Michigan's Bryce Underwood threw an interception when the game was already over, which feels like the universe piling on at that point.
The real story? Ohio State held Michigan scoreless—no touchdowns—for the first time since 2007. The Wolverines kicked three field goals and called it a day. It was clinical. Efficient. Boring, if we're being honest, but the Buckeyes don't care because they're heading to the Big Ten Championship Game to face Indiana with a shot at the College Football Playoff's top seed.
And Michigan? They'll learn their postseason fate when the bowl selection process plays out, which is PR speak for TBD, but probably somewhere warm where nobody will remember this happened.
But sure. Tell us again how much you miss college football.
