Your Love Is Like a Rollercoaster, Baby!

Breaking: Travis Kelce Has Opinions About Amusement Parks (And Possibly Buckeyes)

Look, we need to talk about Travis Kelce. Not Taylor Swift's fiancé Travis Kelce—though yes, that Travis Kelce—but Travis Kelce, the grown man from Cleveland Heights who has actual investments and business interests and probably thoughts about roller coaster maintenance.

For those keeping score at home, Kelce is reportedly an investor in a company that owns Cedar Point, the amusement park in Sandusky that Ohioans will defend with their lives despite the fact that it's basically just a peninsula of screaming and overpriced funnel cakes. This is the same Cedar Point that every Ohio child visited exactly once on a school field trip and then never stopped talking about. You know, the one with the Millennium Force? The tall one? Look, Ohioans are very passionate about their roller coasters, okay?

But here's where things get delightfully awkward. Picture this: Taylor Swift, international superstar, standing in a kitchen in Shaker Heights, attempting to make buckeye candies—Ohio's official we-have-nothing-else-to-be-proud-of-so-we-made-a-dessert contribution to American cuisine. Except she's using almond butter. Or worse, Nutella. There are children dressed as actual demons protesting outside! They have signs. One says, "PEANUT BUTTER OR PERISH." Another reads, "THIS IS CULTURAL APPROPRIATION." A third child is just screaming.

Travis is in the corner, quietly wondering if his Cedar Point investment means he has to care about this?

Now, every urban legend in Ohio comes from Columbus—this is established fact. The hookman at Hoover Reservoir? Columbus. The albino family in the woods? Columbus. That one Crybaby Bridge that's somehow in seventeen different locations? All Columbus, technically. So when news broke that Taylor Swift might have added Greek yogurt to her buckeye recipe, "for protein," the urban legend naturally originated in Columbus, spread through Dayton by noon, and reached Cincinnati by happy hour.

Ohioans are tired, you see. Tired of their homegrown heroes being reduced to plus-ones. Travis Kelce has a Super Bowl ring. Multiple, actually. He has endorsement deals. He was on a competitive game show. The man has amusement park investments! Does Taylor Swift have amusement park investments? (She might. I don't know. That's not the point.)

The point is that somewhere in Ohio right now, a middle-aged man in a Browns jersey is muttering, "he's from Cleveland," to no one in particular while the rest of America writes headlines like, "Taylor's Beau Buys Boardwalk." 

And Travis? Travis is probably just hoping everyone forgets about the Nutella incident.

Disclaimer: No children in demon costumes were harmed in the writing of this blog post. All buckeyes should be made with Jif. This is non-negotiable.