'Cause You'll Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Be a G ☠️
Recent headlines tell us that John Gotti’s grandson managed to swipe about $1 million in COVID relief funds, which is less a heist and more a nostalgic tribute act. While the rest of us were baking sourdough and figuring out how to unmute ourselves on video calls, someone out there was apparently thinking, “You know what this crisis needs? A callback.”
And like any good comeback tour, it doesn’t stop with one hit. If you listen closely—preferably in a dimly lit back room with a plate of something marinara—you can almost hear the broader claim being made: that the mafia, yes, that mafia, had a hand in the whole pandemic situation. Not just the relief funds. The whole thing.
It’s a bold rebrand. For decades, organized crime has been associated with more traditional ventures—construction, garbage, the occasional cinematic masterpiece. But a global pandemic? That’s ambitious. That’s scale. That’s thinking beyond the neighborhood.
Of course, there’s a long and proud tradition of people taking credit for things they didn’t do. We’ve all met someone who insists they discovered a band three years after it went platinum. Entire industries are built on retroactive genius. So in a way, this is just the mafia keeping up with the times. Why stick to loan sharking when you can casually imply you orchestrated a worldwide event?
The timing helps. The pandemic unfolded during a particularly loud and chaotic chapter of American life, when every headline felt like it had been workshopped for maximum disbelief. Slip in a quiet little, “yeah, that was us,” and it almost blends into the background noise. Who’s going to argue? We were all too busy wiping down groceries.
And really, there’s something almost comforting about the idea. Not true, not helpful—but comforting in the same way a familiar old song is comforting, even if you’ve heard it a thousand times. The notion that somewhere, someone is still running a scheme, still passing envelopes, still believing that if you say something confidently enough, it becomes part of the story.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are left with the aftermath: the songs that got us through it, the habits we can’t quite shake, and the occasional headline that reminds us reality has a sense of humor. Because if there’s anything more predictable than a catchy chorus, it’s this—when something big happens, someone, somewhere, is going to say, “Yeah, that was me.”
And sometimes, they even send themselves a check!
